This is a little bit of tranquillity where I'll natter about me if that's okay with you!
I'm Rebecca, I'm 27 and I live in Norwich. I've lived here nearly all my life apart from ill-advised jaunts across other cities in East Anglia, and one three month stint in France, which I loved (and would be encouraged easily to do again!). I have a degree in Criminology and Psychological Studies, which I am very proud of - it's probably the single biggest thing I've done in my life and I don't regret the fact I didn't do it at University (I did it through the OU).
As you can probably tell, this is a weight loss blog. Therefore, I should probably go into some detail about why I'm writing it and what it is going to consist of.
I'll be honest - I've done this before. I had a blog which is still active and can still be found (I'm debating whether to delete it from existence, as it seems to be a horrible reminder of how I've failed myself) - I joined Weight Watchers in March 2010 weighing in at 19st 8.5lbs and promptly got down to 15st 2lbs in a matter of months. I was steely determined and although I had off days I compensated by cutting down everything, to the point where I was existing on 500 calories a day, and then binging once or twice a week. It was a destructive cycle that caused problems between myself and my now ex (as well as family members for being so fucking fussy) and I could see I was obsessing over eating like I had in my teens (I had anorexia during my middle to late teens). I resolved to change this, except instead of ironing out the difficulties and focusing on a new plan of action, I basically ate myself back to my original weight (plus 5lbs - which makes me 19st 13.5lbs - pretty much 20st). I will admit this happened over a period of about 18 months - so it wasn't an all out bingefest, but to gain 5st in 18 months is a pretty significant amount of weight to put on, which stands by the fact I CANNOT control my food unless I have some kind of legitimate plan in place.
As I'm sure many around me can testify, I've tried getting back into the plan numerous times. Most fail after about a week (and one failed after a day) or two, usually sabotaged by well meaning friends (who I love, and it's not their fault) who do understand my need to lose weight, but at the same time know I'm hideously weak willed and am likely to fall off the wagon, so why not cut my losses! I have a good group of friends who are not judgemental and love me for who I am, and the feeling is mutual.
However. And there is always a but!
I have got the stage now where I am getting scared of going out. Scared of what to wear. Scared of what people think of me. Although some have said in the past I carry my weight well (which is bullshit, pretty much) a lot of my excess "flabbage" is centred around my stomach. As I'm not always aware of it, I am pretty certain a lot of "Joe Public" think I am pregnant. Sometimes this has it's advantages - or it would do, if I was actually pregnant. No one has said as much, but I've been offered seats on buses (oh the humiliation). I also smoke, so I illicit a lot of stares, which I am more of less convinced revolves around peoples' disgust for a pregnant lady to smoke! (!!!)
Alongside this fear, or anxiety, is the physical side effects of being this size. I have M.E (or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which you can find more about here) which makes my life hard enough, but with an excessive 10 stone on top of this makes it unbearable. I find it hard to walk long distances, or for long periods of time, and I am in constant pain - focusing usually around my legs and back - which is due to carrying around this amount of weight. I take painkillers more frequently than I ever have, which upsets me as I don't like taking unnecessary medication.
The M.E makes it very difficult for me to work - as a consequence I have recently left my job (although it was sort of voluntary redundancy without the payout) and am looking for something else. This is another reason why I want to lose weight - in my previous attempt, my lowering scales meant I had more energy - so this will bode well.
This is one of my characteristic poses - drunk ;) August 2011
Me and some of my friends - with an exceptionally tanned shoulder! Aug 2011
A photo I like of me - mainly as you can't see my body ;) January 2012
Grim grim grim - This photo makes me feel sick to my stomach (which is apt) Feb 2012
Amazing starter, absolutely shite photo. Feb 2012
York - as you can see. I can't believe I agreed to have this full length shot of me taken.
In slimmer times - after losing nearly 5 stone two years ago. June 2010.
Not slim, but much better - after losing 5 stone - July 2010.
I was around 15st 4lbs in this photo - and I was happy. September 2010
I love many things. Despite the pain and the other daily problems (money, loneliness etc) there is a lot in life that I enjoy. I love spending time with my friends and family, who mean a great deal to me and who shape me. Without going into too much details, my childhood was a bit fractured and although I'm far off being "normal" I feel much more in control of my emotions these days. I love having a good glass of wine, although this has become something of a prerequiste to an evening now, so I'm trying to cut down (which is handy for weight loss). I love cooking, and am going to make a real attempt at substituting to make my favourite recipes. I love tea - so much so that I can often be found drinking tea and reading a book on a good day in Norwich. I love clothes, although this has taken a backseat since gaining weight, as I pretty much refuse to spend any deal of money on clothes that I am determined not to wear. I am pretty much a toyboy - I adore football, cricket, snooker, tennis - but my main love is Formula 1. I am hopelessly addicted to it and I will sometimes arrange my weekends around it. My hero is Gilles Villeneuve in both racing terms and "idol" terms - he conducted his life with such gusto that I want to try and translate that into my life. I love board games like Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit, although I freely admit I'm pretty terrible at both. I am also a massive music fan - I hate silence and if I'm alone I will usually have some genre blaring out - so if you have any recommendations for an electro/indie/rock/ambient/dubstep girl, let me know! Lastly, I love books - I carry one around me pretty much at all times, just in case I get caught somewhere, but mainly because I adore having a cup of coffee/tea and a good read.
So, that's a little about me (and actually a lot, sorry!).
O&O xxx
