Monday, 24 September 2012

mistakes - we all make them.

We're all human. We are not robots and we cannot be programmed to do something we are intently against. We all have differing opinions on various matters and our opinions are subjective.

Therefore, we are culpable in our own destiny. We all mistakes and that's how we learn. Some make more than others (me). Some of us never learn, no matter how horrible the consequences (me).

I decided after speaking with my doctor whether Slim and Save was the best option. I truly think it does work, but you need to have a certain presence of mind. I'm not the best person when it comes to willpower, and figuring that if I ate x and drank y I could easily knock myself out of ketosis, I came to the decision that something that gave me flexibility would probably be a better option. To be honest, I'm not sure if anything will work. Maybe I'm destined to die of obesity. I am so fucking frustrated with the way I look and I am actually transferring this into real life situations. I feel that every wrong thing I do (down to the smallest things) are all a result of me being fat. I'm sure it doesn't extent quite as far as that, but you get the drift.

I'm beyond annoyed that I've put all the weight I lost back on, and more. I've had a long time to deal with that. I am now living in a town where nobody knows that I've failed, therefore I am not going to bring it to attention. There was this deep seated sense of failure when I went back to my Norwich meetings - as much as I loved them - because I had done so well and then screwed up.

None of this matters anymore. As far as the meeting is concerned tonight, I'm yet another statistic - another fat person looking to lose weight.

It's either this or nothing. If I carry on the way I am I will be dead at 30 - either from obesity related illness or through suicide. You know how some people are content in their bodies, no matter what? That's not me. There is absolutely no redeeming factors to the way I look and when A says I'm beautiful, or fit etc. I am always batting it back. For once, I want to believe it.

I will have to be happy with the fact the weight will not drop off ala Slim and Save. You put in what you get out. It matters very little that I dropped a heap of weight quickly before - I cannot believe into that hype again.

I just hope the leader at this meeting is a good one. It really does make a difference.

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