starting weight

I actually weigh less than I thought - or what my home scales tell me. Not by much, but I think I'll take it.

My starting weight is 20st 11lbs. My 5% goal is 19st 11lbs, and my 10% is 18st 11lbs. It's quite scary to write it all down, but I suppose if it's in writing, there is no escaping it.

The leader, Deborah - is really nice, thankfully. She's young, fresh and very informative. She reminds me of a younger version of my old leader Lisa, so I'm very happy with that. Lisa was a great source of inspiration for me when I was doing it in Norwich.

Day 1 was fine - fortunately I had a Sainsbury's shop arriving first thing in the morning before I got to work so I was able to quickly make some things up to grab and go. On the other side, I really didn't think through my meal plans adequately enough which never helps. I wanted other bits but I was busy thinking of A and what he could eat (he won't eat anything I would cook, that much I know). It's not too much of a bother - I live five minutes walk away from Tesco and I can go tomorrow - today I'm just too lazy. Running up and down stairs all day makes you rather lethargic ;)

Today I was on campus for 6 hours - learning really helps for me because there is no margin for error - if you pack right, then you eat right. It also helps me to go out with no cash other than enough for a cup of coffee - that way I can't indulge in the canteen goods. It's hard, as the cooks are really accomplished and a lot of the food looks a million times better than the stuff we were thrown when I was at college ten years ago.  I had a few comments as to whether I was dieting, but it hasn't been a massive secret that I've wanted to do it - I've mentioned it a few times in passing.

Campus life also gives me a source of motivation. I'm a mature student, and a great deal of the demographic there are 18-21, ie; youthful, slim, intelligent....you get the drift. There is nothing like a swift kick up the jacksy if you're feeling a bit discouraged.

Today I've had a nice bowl of cinnamon and apple porridge, some pitta bread with ham and a very random concoction of pasta, chicken and a variety of veg, with philadephia sweet chilli mixed in. It was really delightful and I could have eaten more...obviously!

Tonight I'm home alone - so in theory I should be cracking on with various theories and mindmapping some ideas for an assignment - but after 6 hours of solid study my brain is a bit frazzled. I had a bath and will go for a cigarette and crack on....

mistakes - we all make them.

We're all human. We are not robots and we cannot be programmed to do something we are intently against. We all have differing opinions on various matters and our opinions are subjective.

Therefore, we are culpable in our own destiny. We all mistakes and that's how we learn. Some make more than others (me). Some of us never learn, no matter how horrible the consequences (me).

I decided after speaking with my doctor whether Slim and Save was the best option. I truly think it does work, but you need to have a certain presence of mind. I'm not the best person when it comes to willpower, and figuring that if I ate x and drank y I could easily knock myself out of ketosis, I came to the decision that something that gave me flexibility would probably be a better option. To be honest, I'm not sure if anything will work. Maybe I'm destined to die of obesity. I am so fucking frustrated with the way I look and I am actually transferring this into real life situations. I feel that every wrong thing I do (down to the smallest things) are all a result of me being fat. I'm sure it doesn't extent quite as far as that, but you get the drift.

I'm beyond annoyed that I've put all the weight I lost back on, and more. I've had a long time to deal with that. I am now living in a town where nobody knows that I've failed, therefore I am not going to bring it to attention. There was this deep seated sense of failure when I went back to my Norwich meetings - as much as I loved them - because I had done so well and then screwed up.

None of this matters anymore. As far as the meeting is concerned tonight, I'm yet another statistic - another fat person looking to lose weight.

It's either this or nothing. If I carry on the way I am I will be dead at 30 - either from obesity related illness or through suicide. You know how some people are content in their bodies, no matter what? That's not me. There is absolutely no redeeming factors to the way I look and when A says I'm beautiful, or fit etc. I am always batting it back. For once, I want to believe it.

I will have to be happy with the fact the weight will not drop off ala Slim and Save. You put in what you get out. It matters very little that I dropped a heap of weight quickly before - I cannot believe into that hype again.

I just hope the leader at this meeting is a good one. It really does make a difference.